Lipstick & Danger

My Blog

A Funny Thing Happened on my Way to Get a Mammogram


Several years ago I went through a thing. You know the big scare of the C-word. It’s time to share my experience again during this special month. So prop your feet up, get a cup of coffee or glass of ice tea and think about what you’d like to tell me later about your experience.

I put it off and put it off. My mammogram was about 4 months late. Who else besides me looks for an excuse to delay going? I’ve heard comparisons of that it is like sticking your boob in an ice-cold refrigerator then slamming the door shut. My friend went for the first time and fainted. Ouch! I feared asking her if she was still attached at the time.

Of course, there are funny aspects to this whole cancer screening thing which they say and do to you. First you check in and wait. Then your name is called as if it is from some heavenly database. A sweet attendant starts small talk with you right away. That should be a tip off that things are about to get ugly. There are way too many whitened teeth showing in that smile. But I play along. I do every time. Chit chat is my specialty. I participate to form new characters in my books. Sometimes if they are annoying I kill them off as soon as possible. But when you’re getting a mammogram you’re thinking I better play nice. They have my girls held hostage.

You’re ushered to this little cubicle to disrobe to the waist and told to put on a gown with two snaps in the front. I’m not sure why there are two because there are still huge gaps that leave nothing to the imagination. A warm blanket is offered as you watch something on HGTV about flea market treasures. If I had time to make something out of junk my garage wouldn’t look like it imploded. The other women in this waiting room, some wrapped in blankets, seem to be glued to the prospect of making a coffee table out of a grain bin so I watch. Maybe I’m missing something. Snuggled in my own warm blanket I begin to think this is pretty nice. If only someone would bring me a vanilla latte; a skinny one with whipped cream. I draw the line at two percent milk.

Another smiling attendant calls my name and I jump up as if I’m excited to do the screening. Besides, that HGTV coffee table is still junk and won’t end up in my house. More chit chat about the upcoming holidays and I try to be pleasant and unafraid. Seeing the machine in the middle of the room reminds me of a monster that eats breasts or at least smashes them to deformed pooches of tissue so the attendant can take a picture.

I have this fleeting imagine of an attendant who looks at breasts all day kicking back with some foot porn at the end of the day. Sorry. Haven’t you ever wondered?

So now I stand to face the monster and the attendant manipulates one of the girls to fit on the machine then lowers the beast to crush me against some cold plastic. I’m cringing, gritting my teeth while my fingers are wrapped so tightly around some chicken bar to keep from crying like a baby when the attendant says, “Don’t breathe.” I hear a click and she says, “Breathe and stand back.”  Who can breathe, I want to ask, but it is too late. More manipulation and the same words again and again.

Only this year, the attendant decided to take a few more pictures. The thought occurred to me; that can’t be good. Inquiring minds want to know. I’m encouraged to get dressed with the upbeat words I’ll get a letter or a call in a few days if there was a concern.

I got the dreaded call.

Join me for part #2 next time to see what happens. In the meantime, tell me about your experience of getting a mammogram. And remember; if you haven’t had one in a while you need to make an appointment today. Be good to yourself. Don’t forget the little ones in your life who love someone with cancer. Meet one of my heroes in this children’s’ book I wrote for one special lady.

4 Responses

  1. Lol! You described the encounter perfectly! The only thing I will add is to take 2 Tylenol an hour before going. I wish I could just have the girls cut off and be done with it all!!!

  2. Pretty close description. Add her cold hands to place the girls properly on the cold smasher with an extra crank to make them completely pancake-like. Also nail biting while waiting the ENTIRE weekend to see if something is wrong because of dense breast tissue. Just go straight to the 3D option and pay extra because peace of mind is worth that.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: